Sometimes divorce as final as it is may be the only solution after a lot of conflict and pain, but though it may solve one problem, it creates many others. Foremost of which is the effect it has on the kids.
It's no longer 'me and my folks', it changes to my 'mum and I' or 'dad and I'. In some cases, the kids take it all in their stride..... because let's face it, it means two homes in different locations, more pocket money since you get to collect it from both parents, being the centre of attention with each parent because they're both trying to out do the other, generally double 'fun'. Then again, what do the kids do when their parents hate each other? Pity the kids whose parents are so engrossed in their own issues that they can't sew what's right under their nose... the child's hurt. The child becomes the battleground. Each parent begrudges the child's relationship to the other. Even though a parent may hold their tongue, the attitude is still there.
The kids lives with their disdain. He/She is between a rock and a hard place. To survive they learn to mask their feelings. To avoid this disapproval of their parents they 'pally' up with each parent by saying negative comments about the other. So when with mom, the kid tells bad stories of dad to gain mother's approval and minimize tensions with her. Then with dad, the child tells bad stories of mom to gain his approval and reduce tensions with him. Sadly, this only feeds the conflict between the parents, as they feel more justified in their anger with the new ammunition delivered by the child. So, the parental conflict gets worse and the child is subject to greater hostility. Why do the parents act this way? It's simple they both feel let down by each other and they can't stand the fact that the failure of the marriage might be their fault. So they lash out, trying to blame the other for their own short comings. They forget that the kids will always question what they did wrong to cause the divorce; should they have been more cooperative in the family, they ask themselves what would happen to them now that their parents are divorced. Will dad love me less? Will mum hate me now? He/She gets anxious and sad, in extreme cases depressed. The child gets lonely, because of the long absence of a parent.
In this kind of situation, it's best for the child to identify what he/she is feeling. It's okay to feel sad, anxious, even angry. It's even okay to feel relieved that your parents are finally taking a break from each other. All of these feelings are a normal part of coping with all of the changes in your family life, but if these feelings are making you feel overwhelmed and bad most of the time, it would be best for you to talk with your parents, a trusted adult, or a friend. Talking with someone can help you feel better while you're dealing with difficult times, and it can also help you to find solutions to problems that you may not have though of on your own.
Another thing, is to realize that there is going to be a lot of changes in your life. Some of these changes are custody arrangements, your parents may be preoccupied and very sad, finances may be strained, changing school and friends... don't be scared of these changes, deal with them as best as you can. Take each day as it comes, and keep in mind that it will all get better with time.
There might also be some things you want to tell your parents that would make things easier for you. Maybe you feel that they keep pushing you in the middle. They might be smothering you with too much affection or neglecting you. Bottling it all up won't help - you have to tell them as gently as you can so they can understand. Your parents can only do what they think is best for you, it's up to you to tell them if what they're doing is right or wrong. You might think that burdening them with your own issues is selfish since they have a lot to deal with, but you have to remember it's best to air your feelings in the beginning so as not to get used to an arrangement that won't do you any good.
You can be sensitive and considerate in the way you approach them. It's important that you don't feel responsible for your parents actions. They are adults who make adult decisions. Divorce can cause new situations as time goes on, such as the remarriage of one or both of your parents or the addition of new family members. As these new situations come up, it's normal to have new feelings about your parent's divorce. Remember that although divorce can complicate your life, in time you will learn how to handle your new family situations.
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